It doesn’t rain often here, but when it does, people freak out. I have a low opinion of most people’s ability to drive to begin with, and this morning it seemed that every traffic report that managed to sneak into my consciousness before I hit snooze reported another couple accidents on the freeways. Checking Sigalert.com, I can see a clusterfuck of accidents in Orange County (heh, Republicans really can’t drive), accidents up and down the 710, and a scattering of accidents everywhere else. Ugh. No thanks.

So here are some tips to my fellow LA area drivers:

1. Pay attention. You should always pay attention, but pay special attention when it’s raining/wet. That means turning off your cell phone, saving the paper for later, or doing your makeup before getting in the car.

2. Keep your distance. Your brakes are shitty, your reaction time is slow, your tires are those plastic, long-lasting ones you picked up at Costco for $25 a tire last year. You just aren’t going to be able to stop as quickly, period. Multiply that by a factor of 1.5-2.5 in the wet. Don’t forget that there’s an asshole behind you who drives just like you. If he’s tailgating you and you’re tailgating the guy in front of you, you’re in for a world of hurt.

3. Keep both hands on the wheel. Driving through a pool of standing water can rapidly slow down your wheels on one side, causing your car to jerk toward that side. If you’ve only got a few fingers resting on the bottom of your steering wheel when that happens, you’re probably going to hit that median or the car next to you.

4. Stay home. You just ignored 1-3, didn’t you? Well, then just call in sick today. Stay off that road. Or better yet, take advantage of all this free water by washing your car in the rain. Last night I hosed down my car, quickly soaped it up, then took a spin around the block (tried to get my wheels to break loose at the cul de sac, but didn’t try hard enough). All in ten minutes. My car is clean!

5. Do the math. Sigh. So you’re going to get out there anyway. So let’s say you gotta get somewhere that’s ten miles away. If you’re driving 55 mph, it’ll take you 11 minutes. If you’re driving 75 mph, it’ll take you 8 minutes. If you get in an accident, you can add 1-2 hours to your commute. If you can’t handle the speed (and let’s be honest here, you can’t), go ahead and suck it up. It’s going to take you an extra three minutes, and you should stay the fuck out of the passing lane.

I guess this is more of angry rant than a list of tips. There’s still good advice in there. 😉