Lesson 1. If you eat chicken or fish, you are not a vegetarian. There are at least half a billion people who would also consider dairy and eggs non-vegetarian.

Lesson 2. If your cocktail doesn’t consist of gin and vermouth, it’s not a martini. At best, it’s a cocktail with a proper name that you’ve misnamed. At worst, it’s an alcoholic jolly rancher that probably ought to be served in a plastic novelty cup or a large, hollowed-out tropical fruit, not a cocktail glass.

There’s nothing wrong with not eating beef or pork and there’s nothing wrong with drinking a girlie drink. Just don’t butcher the language because I would really really like to know what you’re talking about when you say vegetarian and martini.